I began working with a new client, Sarah, a few weeks ago. She came in because she was unhappy, and has relationship issues. She hasn’t been able to get over a break up from several years ago, and she’s in a relationship now that lacks the the depth and intimacy she craves.
What struck me about Sarah was how difficult it was to connect with her. She talked fast, and was very wrapped up in own story, getting upset, angry, laughing over and over as she ran over her stories from her past and projected into the future. Occasionally I interjected with some of what I teach that helps people – how when our minds settle down we often connect with a state of mind that brings a sense of well-being, relief from mental turmoil, and a connection to your own wisdom. But Sarah was too wrapped up in her stories to really hear what I was saying. I was aware at the end of the session that we had made little or no connection, and wondered if she would return.

Sarah did come back, and she looked better. She reported having been a bit calmer and happier since she saw me last, but she had no idea why. Guessing, she attributed it to a few things that had gone better that week. She was eying me curiously. ‘I don’t know what you do,’ she said, making contact with me cautiously. ‘I couldn’t’ tell last week. I’m an aggressive person. Maybe you need to be more aggressive with me.’
I assured Sarah that I can be plenty aggressive, or at least assertive enough to get my point across. But I need to make sure my client is interested before I can really start teaching them anything. ‘I’m interested,’ she said. ‘I really need help.’ OK then, I said, and jumped in. I taught her how these principles show people how their experiences are all created through thought, and that we’re either retrieving data from memory (a useful and neutral type of experience), creating unpleasant experiences from being in our personal worlds of data and memory beyond the point where they are useful, or not. The not is when we let our minds settle down and come into the present – when we golf, go to the beach, exercise, etc – whatever place in life you designate as a place to let your mind settle down, is where it happens. Then people have different experiences – they get calm, have a sense of well being, often feel creative and inspired and get in touch with their wisdom, creativity and common sense.
‘I’m all about the personal,’ Sarah observed. That’s true, I agreed. And that was the beginning of the beginning. Sarah and I made contact for the first time, and I could begin teaching her some things that might help her.
Relationships don’t happen in our personal worlds. They happen when our minds dip free of all that noise and clutter. Then we get a sip of the now, the present, the deeper, richer, more real fabric of life. That’s where connection happens, and it happens naturally. As soon as we slip back into the personal, we’re in our own individual movies, which are mildly interesting to other people at times, but take us away from intimacy and connection. For the couples I work with, discovering this one simple truth often makes the difference between have intimacy and connection, or not.
When Sarah left after our second session, I knew that we had made contact. She had learned some things that had already helped her get less interested in the ‘all about me’ part of her mind and more interested in what brings people happiness. I’m looking forward to watching her journey unfold.

A Couples’ Story: Sally and Sarah have been learning the prinicples, and it has changed their marriage. A couple in their mid-30’s, they had been married for 7 years. Their relationship was up and down, due to lack of communication and fighting. Whenever they would get into a disagreement, they would talk and talk, trying to sort it through. The more they talked, the more their relationship would spiral down. They had tried couples’ counseling before, and it had only made things worse. The more the therapist pointed them in the direction of their problems, the worse they felt about themselves and the more they fought. It was to the point where they were losing optimism about being able to make it as a couple.

The first thing that hapened after learning about the 3 spiritual prinicples discovered by Sydney Banks, was that Sally got more lighthearted, and Sarah became more confident. “I never realized before how much I keep things on my mind that weigh me down,” Sally said. “I’m feeling so much happier! I was completely happy for 4 days in a row – that hasn’t happpened ever in my life that I can remember. Then I went back to work and started to get down again, until I noticed that I was thinking heavy, serious thoughts, and then it lifted and I l felt great again. This is amazing to me.” Sarah said: “It used to be whenever I was mad or upset with Sally I would pretend that I wasn’t, because I didn’t want to upset her. Now I have the confidence to feel the way I feel without worrying about Sally so much. I don’t take it out on her, but I’m not afraid to tell her how I feel.”

Affter this initial progress, the couple had a honeymoon period of enjoying their relationsip more than they could ever remember. And then they had their first big fight. “I had been saving money for over a year so that we could have another child, and I went into that account and discovered that Sally had taken out a good part of that money and used it for a bill, without telling me. I was so upset – she knows how hard I’ve worked to save that money, and how very much I want to have another child. I couldn’t even talk to her for the rest of the day. But things went so differently when we talked about it! Normally I would have approached her very upset. But I waited, because I now know that wouldn’t work. She asked me if I was upset before going to bed, and I said I was, but that I couldn’t talk about it at that time. I waited until the next day, when I was feeling more calm about it. When we found a good time to talk, I asked Sally about the money, and instead of getting all upset and angry about it, the way she normally would, she said ‘of course I can see why that would upset you.’ Then she explained why she needed to draw on that money for an immediate need, and how she had more money coming in to replace it. I couldn’t believe how easily we resolved this. Of course what she told me made sense, but if I hadn’t waited until I was feeling better, I wouldn’t have been able to hear that. Something that would normally have dragged on for days or weeks was over within a day or so. Its like a miracle! Sally: ‘It was hard for me when Sarah wouldn’t talk or be affectionate before we went to bed that night. But it was different from before. I could tell that she wasn’t being cold or mean, and that made it easier for me to wait. Then when we talked about it it went so easily! It wasn’t even an arugment. We were back on track with our relationshp in no time! This is like a miracle for us – we are so happy!” Sally and Sarah say that they now have a confidence in their relationship that they didn’t have before, and confidence in their future together.

I was talking with Sarah today, a client who came for the Four-Day Intensive. She was describing how her life has continued to change since the intensive. This is a woman who has struggled with relationships. As we discoverd during the intensive, some of her relationship issues came from having a mind that was constantly busy.  She had so much on her mind that it was hard for her to listen to people.  Oh, she could listen superficially, but mostly while she listened she had her own agenda on her mind.  So people felt like she was hard to connect with.  Her teenage kids were often angry with her because they felt like she didn’t listen to them or respect their requests.

During the intensive Sarah worked with the principles and her mind got much more settled and quiet.  She found herself noticing life around her  in a way she hadn’t for a long time.  Many people experience this during meditation or sometimes yoga, but the principles helped Sarah awaken to the mental chatter she carried around with her moment-by-moment in her life.  Once she saw that, she was able to be more settled and present, even when she wasn’t meditating or doing yoga.  In fact, she said that even during these practices there was always mental background noise; it wasn’t until she saw what was going on her mind that she was able to back off from what she had been doing that kept her thoughts going.

But what was really interesting to me was what happened later, 3 weeks after the intensive had ended.  Sarah said that she continued to become more and more aware of the feeling state that she lived in, and knew from learning the principles that whatever feelings she experienced were a reflection of  Thought.  The more she tuned into this, the quieter her thoughts became.  It came to her like an insight, just a quiet thought arising in her mind out of the blue.  But it impacted her with the feeling insights have, of taking her out of her ordinary mindset into a different level of awareness.  Something new was happening in her brain. 

Since then, Sarah said, her mind has been getting more and more quiet.  Even her yoga teacher, who has known her for years, commented on it, telling her he was grateful that something had helped Sara’s mind get more settled and quiet.

I could tell that it was already easier to connect with Sarah than it had been, and have great hope for how her quieter mind will bring more depth and connection to all her relationships, especially within her own family.

During the intensive,k

When Brian and Mary came for their couples’ intensive, they were on the verge of a divorce. They had been married for 30 years, and had 4 kids who were now all leaving the nest. When I interviewed them before their intensive, he said he felt they just needed to spend some time together now that the kids were gone and get close again. Mary, on the other hand, was clear that this intensive was their last shot at staying together. “We’ve been having problems for 20 of our 30 years together. We’ve been seeing a marriage counselor, and she has recommended divorce at this point. I’m not really sure why we’re coming to you, but I’ve heard that sometimes this works when nothing else can.”

After working with Brian and Mary individually at first, it became clear that they both had habits of Thought that were getting in their way. On his part, Brian thought he was unatrractive. When he felt Mary was distant, it confirmed this belief, and then he would fele insecure, frightened and lonely. His way of dealing with those feelings was to find women in need of financial help, whom he would befriend and help out fnancially for a period of time. Their need of him made him feel less lonely and unloveable.

Mary, on the other hand, had picked up the thought somewhere along the line that she was stupid, or that other people thought she was. Whenever she would find out about one of these women who were benefitting from Brian’s philanthropy, she would think, “What does he think, I’m stupid?” This thought ws extrememly upsetting to her; whenever she thought it, she would become cold and distant. When she was cold and distant, Brian would look for someone new to help to get some emotional connection and warmth. And so the cycle would continue, to the point that Mary was ready to divorce him.

As Mary began to understand the role that Thought plays in relationships, she settled down, and began to see that her experience of being ’stupid’ was coming from her, from her own thinking, not from Brian. This was a very big realization for her. She began to be less guarded around Brian, as she learned more and more about the principles and simply began enjoying the moment.

From my perspective, it was obvious that Brian adored his wife, and had tremendous respect for her. Her coldness made him insecure, and those insecure thoughts made him lose his bearings – he didn’t know what to do to re-connect with her. As Brian’s thoughts settled down, the wall of Thought he so often lived in, that he was unattractive, also loosened their hold on him.

Mary and Brian began to communicate with each other in sessions, without anger and defensiveness. They began to be able to have a dialogue, and even laugh about things. The turning point came when, at a break, Brian stood up, screwed up all his courage and said to Mary: “Would you like to spend the break with me?” Mary, taken aback by his forthright effort to connect with her, paused for a moment, then said “Yes! I would!” They began re-discovering what it meant to spend time together without all their old thought patterns, most of which had been invisible to them, running the show.

When Brian and Mary showed up for the last day of their intensive, they were tentaively a team once again. They had that sweetness you feel around people who are just getting to know each other and are a little shy about it. That newfound sense of connection grew and grew after they got home. Their fear and mistrust melted away as they began to re-experience their real connetion with each other. It was as if those 20 years of alienation and distance melted away without a trace. This so often happens when people re-connect with their true natures. No matter how many years you may struggled, been depressed or anxious, or had trouble in your relationship, when you re-connect with your innate mental and spiritual health your in-built capacity for truth re-surfaces, and all those years of struggle appear like the illusion they really were.

I check in with Brian and Mary at 6 month intervals, and at the two year mark all they have to say is: “Very Happy!”