Center for Optimal Living

The World of Well Being – Deeper Feelings

Annika — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:52:31 +0000

Why do deeper feelings matter? They’re the greatest remedy to stress, for one thing. Stress takes a great toll on peoples’ mental and physical health. When we tap into the world of deeper feelings, the mind re-sets itself. There’s a rhythm to everything in the universe – everything moves in a wave-like pattern. When those waves are stalled in the body by too much sitting, too little movement, we get disease. When they’re stalled in the mind, we get stress, and over time stress can turn into insecurity, anxiety and worse.

Your mind is always functioning in one of two ways – its actively going after thought, moving around your personal world of data, analysis, past and future, or its receptively settling into the here and now. You’ll know how your mind is functioning by how you feel. When you settle into the present, even for a moment, you get touched by the world of deeper feelings. You relax, sigh, perhaps notice that the sun is coming out, there’s a beautiful scent of fir trees in the air, or that the silence of that moment holds you close. When your mind moves back into its more effortful function, that awareness disappears, and your feeling state will be neutral. If you stay in your perosnal world of thought for too long, you will begin to expereince stress, and eventually various forms of distress.

We Are Always Getting Prompts: Everyone has a core of innate health and wisdom, that sends out quiet thoughts to help keep you on track. Its that same voice, or thought, that appears quietly in your mind when you’re leaving the house and “umbrella” passes through your mind. You think, no, its sunny out, and leave without it, only to be drenched in a downpour later in the day.

That same quiet wisdom is giving you prompts all the time about how to keep your mind in its natural rhythm of moving in and out of the present. When you’ve been hard at work, using your personal world of thought , you’ll have the thought, ‘take a break.’ It’s up to you whether you respect or ignore that thought. If you listen to it, you might take a short walk, or close your eyes at your desk for a few minutes, or do whatever else occurs to you in the moment to take your mind out of current function and let its return to its natural rhythm of rest and be receptive, then retrieve or analzye data. Again, if you ignore it, you’ll know it by the way you feel – you will begin to feel stressed and tired, or notice that you’re having arguments with people, or making a lot of mistakes at work, or being inefficient at your tasks at home.

Deeper Feelings Help People Function at their Best:

Deeper feelings fill you with joy and well-being. People’s minds naturally become more inspired and creative. You become more productive and successful. And because your own feeling reservoir is full, you have more to give to others. You’ll be kinder to your children, and get along better with your spouse. You’re more likely to have the time and energy to check in on a sick neighbor, or volunteer at a food bank. You become more interested in making our world a better place.

I accept checks and PayPal and credit cards for coaching and four-day intensive retreats.

Re-discovering Optimism: A Couples’ Story

Annika — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:29:03 +0000

A Couples’ Story: Sally and Sarah have been learning the prinicples, and it has changed their marriage. A couple in their mid-30’s, they had been married for 7 years. Their relationship was up and down, due to lack of communication and fighting. Whenever they would get into a disagreement, they would talk and talk, trying to sort it through. The more they talked, the more their relationship would spiral down. They had tried couples’ counseling before, and it had only made things worse. The more the therapist pointed them in the direction of their problems, the worse they felt about themselves and the more they fought. It was to the point where they were losing optimism about being able to make it as a couple.

The first thing that hapened after learning about the 3 spiritual prinicples discovered by Sydney Banks, was that Sally got more lighthearted, and Sarah became more confident. “I never realized before how much I keep things on my mind that weigh me down,” Sally said. “I’m feeling so much happier! I was completely happy for 4 days in a row – that hasn’t happpened ever in my life that I can remember. Then I went back to work and started to get down again, until I noticed that I was thinking heavy, serious thoughts, and then it lifted and I l felt great again. This is amazing to me.” Sarah said: “It used to be whenever I was mad or upset with Sally I would pretend that I wasn’t, because I didn’t want to upset her. Now I have the confidence to feel the way I feel without worrying about Sally so much. I don’t take it out on her, but I’m not afraid to tell her how I feel.”

Affter this initial progress, the couple had a honeymoon period of enjoying their relationsip more than they could ever remember. And then they had their first big fight. “I had been saving money for over a year so that we could have another child, and I went into that account and discovered that Sally had taken out a good part of that money and used it for a bill, without telling me. I was so upset – she knows how hard I’ve worked to save that money, and how very much I want to have another child. I couldn’t even talk to her for the rest of the day. But things went so differently when we talked about it! Normally I would have approached her very upset. But I waited, because I now know that wouldn’t work. She asked me if I was upset before going to bed, and I said I was, but that I couldn’t talk about it at that time. I waited until the next day, when I was feeling more calm about it. When we found a good time to talk, I asked Sally about the money, and instead of getting all upset and angry about it, the way she normally would, she said ‘of course I can see why that would upset you.’ Then she explained why she needed to draw on that money for an immediate need, and how she had more money coming in to replace it. I couldn’t believe how easily we resolved this. Of course what she told me made sense, but if I hadn’t waited until I was feeling better, I wouldn’t have been able to hear that. Something that would normally have dragged on for days or weeks was over within a day or so. Its like a miracle! Sally: ‘It was hard for me when Sarah wouldn’t talk or be affectionate before we went to bed that night. But it was different from before. I could tell that she wasn’t being cold or mean, and that made it easier for me to wait. Then when we talked about it it went so easily! It wasn’t even an arugment. We were back on track with our relationshp in no time! This is like a miracle for us – we are so happy!” Sally and Sarah say that they now have a confidence in their relationship that they didn’t have before, and confidence in their future together.

Staying Up in the Economic Downturn – Everything Changed when I Realized That My Inner Life Creates My Experience of LIfe

Annika — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 15:24:55 +0000

Here’s a report from a client who was really struggling with challenges from the economic downturn, and then turned the whole thing around:

I’ve been going through a very challenging period – probably the hardest time of my life. The economic downturn hit me and my family hard. I’m having to move out of the dreamhouse I just spent a year building, and re-locate, as there’s no work where I live at this time. I’ve been feeling really bad and so tired of feeling bad and wanting to know why I was feeling so bad. I felt insecure, and I had self pity about my own insecurity.

No wonder I was feeling that way – I was letting the external determine how I was feeling internally. And no wonder I was feeling bad, because my circumstances were really difficult, & I was making them even more difficult with the way I was responding to them. And then it just dawned on me. It was as if my wisdom was trying to get through to me the whole time, but I was jamming it with my own insecurity. It suddenly dawned on me that the inner creates the outer & I had the whole thing upside down; I was letting the outer affect my inner life. When the impact of that insight hit me it was as if everything stopped – all my insecure thinking, all my anxiety, my working on my agendas – and I felt this incredible sense of relief.

A sense of clearness and cleanness opened before me. I could see that it was a beautiful day, and that I was in a beautiful place, and that I might be in the middle of challenging circumstances but I didn’t need to let that run my entire emotional life. It was as if I became changed from an insane person to a sane person. The insane person was running & running, chasing its own thoughts, & then the sane person was totally content with the present that I felt . It changed my whole perspective .
It Happened Again. Later that day, my thoughts started getting funky & I started to feel insecure & anxious again. Then I realized that this is what I do – I get tired & hungry and chase my insecure thoughts around . So I ate something, and reflected on the insight I had earlier about how the inner affects the outer. I started asking myself for more clarity on that experience – how can my inner reach the outer – & I had this incredible experience of peace that came over me, and satisfaction, and a very simple gratitude, and I felt myself in my body – I felt my toes, and the fibers of the muscles in my legs – things I’m not normally aware of. This presence brought all my different faculties into the moment. I was experiencing the divine intelligence of life within. To me it came like a feeling of the long lost beloved – we spend so much time seeking things externally, and then when we get something internally, it’s like the answer to the ultimate question, whatever that is. I hear people say when you get really deep you can’t be alone because you have this experience of god in your body. And I’ve had thoughts like that but I’ve also experienced being alone, or lonely. This experience was so rich I was completely not lonely for the first time in my life. Even though I was alone I had this great satisfaction and wasn’t lonely.
I just have to remember that this is the most important thing in life, that the challenge of having to live with bills is no comparison to this experience of the inner life.

How Listening Can Lead to Better Relationships

Annika — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:55:32 +0000

I was talking with Sarah today, a client who came for the Four-Day Intensive. She was describing how her life has continued to change since the intensive. This is a woman who has struggled with relationships. As we discoverd during the intensive, some of her relationship issues came from having a mind that was constantly busy. She had so much on her mind that it was hard for her to listen to people. Oh, she could listen superficially, but mostly while she listened she had her own agenda on her mind. So people felt like she was hard to connect with. Her teenage kids were often angry with her because they felt like she didn’t listen to them or respect their requests.

During the intensive Sarah worked with the principles and her mind got much more settled and quiet. She found herself noticing life around her in a way she hadn’t for a long time. Many people experience this during meditation or sometimes yoga, but the principles helped Sarah awaken to the mental chatter she carried around with her moment-by-moment in her life. Once she saw that, she was able to be more settled and present, even when she wasn’t meditating or doing yoga. In fact, she said that even during these practices there was always mental background noise; it wasn’t until she saw what was going on her mind that she was able to back off from what she had been doing that kept her thoughts going.

But what was really interesting to me was what happened later, 3 weeks after the intensive had ended. Sarah said that she continued to become more and more aware of the feeling state that she lived in, and knew from learning the principles that whatever feelings she experienced were a reflection of Thought. The more she tuned into this, the quieter her thoughts became. It came to her like an insight, just a quiet thought arising in her mind out of the blue. But it impacted her with the feeling insights have, of taking her out of her ordinary mindset into a different level of awareness. Something new was happening in her brain.

Since then, Sarah said, her mind has been getting more and more quiet. Even her yoga teacher, who has known her for years, commented on it, telling her he was grateful that something had helped Sara’s mind get more settled and quiet.

I could tell that it was already easier to connect with Sarah than it had been, and have great hope for how her quieter mind will bring more depth and connection to all her relationships, especially within her own family.

During the intensive,k

How Thought Almost Lead to a Divorce

Annika — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 04:44:28 +0000

When Brian and Mary came for their couples’ intensive, they were on the verge of a divorce. They had been married for 30 years, and had 4 kids who were now all leaving the nest. When I interviewed them before their intensive, he said he felt they just needed to spend some time together now that the kids were gone and get close again. Mary, on the other hand, was clear that this intensive was their last shot at staying together. “We’ve been having problems for 20 of our 30 years together. We’ve been seeing a marriage counselor, and she has recommended divorce at this point. I’m not really sure why we’re coming to you, but I’ve heard that sometimes this works when nothing else can.”

After working with Brian and Mary individually at first, it became clear that they both had habits of Thought that were getting in their way. On his part, Brian thought he was unatrractive. When he felt Mary was distant, it confirmed this belief, and then he would fele insecure, frightened and lonely. His way of dealing with those feelings was to find women in need of financial help, whom he would befriend and help out fnancially for a period of time. Their need of him made him feel less lonely and unloveable.

Mary, on the other hand, had picked up the thought somewhere along the line that she was stupid, or that other people thought she was. Whenever she would find out about one of these women who were benefitting from Brian’s philanthropy, she would think, “What does he think, I’m stupid?” This thought ws extrememly upsetting to her; whenever she thought it, she would become cold and distant. When she was cold and distant, Brian would look for someone new to help to get some emotional connection and warmth. And so the cycle would continue, to the point that Mary was ready to divorce him.

As Mary began to understand the role that Thought plays in relationships, she settled down, and began to see that her experience of being ’stupid’ was coming from her, from her own thinking, not from Brian. This was a very big realization for her. She began to be less guarded around Brian, as she learned more and more about the principles and simply began enjoying the moment.

From my perspective, it was obvious that Brian adored his wife, and had tremendous respect for her. Her coldness made him insecure, and those insecure thoughts made him lose his bearings – he didn’t know what to do to re-connect with her. As Brian’s thoughts settled down, the wall of Thought he so often lived in, that he was unattractive, also loosened their hold on him.

Mary and Brian began to communicate with each other in sessions, without anger and defensiveness. They began to be able to have a dialogue, and even laugh about things. The turning point came when, at a break, Brian stood up, screwed up all his courage and said to Mary: “Would you like to spend the break with me?” Mary, taken aback by his forthright effort to connect with her, paused for a moment, then said “Yes! I would!” They began re-discovering what it meant to spend time together without all their old thought patterns, most of which had been invisible to them, running the show.

When Brian and Mary showed up for the last day of their intensive, they were tentaively a team once again. They had that sweetness you feel around people who are just getting to know each other and are a little shy about it. That newfound sense of connection grew and grew after they got home. Their fear and mistrust melted away as they began to re-experience their real connetion with each other. It was as if those 20 years of alienation and distance melted away without a trace. This so often happens when people re-connect with their true natures. No matter how many years you may struggled, been depressed or anxious, or had trouble in your relationship, when you re-connect with your innate mental and spiritual health your in-built capacity for truth re-surfaces, and all those years of struggle appear like the illusion they really were.

I check in with Brian and Mary at 6 month intervals, and at the two year mark all they have to say is: “Very Happy!”

Rain, rain…go away

Annika — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 19:06:28 +0000

Until about 14 years ago, I used to suffer terribly over the weather in New England. I thought I had “S.A.D.” – Seasonal Affective Disorder, as I had all the symptoms. After learning about the Three Spiritual Principles of Sydney Banks, I looked to have an insight about that, and eventually I did. My relationship with the 4 seasons changed completely. i will tell that story another time.

In the last few months, another version of that affliction came back. I moved back to Martha’s Vineyard in April, after a typical Northwest winter – aobut 6 months of continuous light rain, grey, and an occaisonal “sun break” as they call them. And I came to an atypical New England spring – we’ve been socked in with grey and rain for two continuous months.

That’s a long stretch to go without sun. About a month into it, I started to get very down. Feeling claustrophobic, like I couldn’t breathe. Desperate – the sun has to come out NOW! Even frightened – did I make the wrong decision in coming here? Will it ever change?

These are all thoughts that I would have had before learning the Principles – the 3 spiritual princples that explain all psychological funcioning. But I was having them now. And it all felt completely real. Try going on facebook – 3 out of 5 entries the last few weeks are about the weather and how people are coping with it. I was at the point where I felt like I couldn’t take another day.

However, then I remembered about thought – or Thought – the prinicple of thought, how it functions. All my experiences come from Thought, no exceptions, not even this.

Remembering that always puts me in a reflective mood. I got reflective about my experience with the weather. I couldn’t see it as Thought, but I wanted to. I began wondering, regularly, if this were Thought – and therefore only an illusion – what am I thinking that’s bringing me this experience?

Night before last, I woke up in the middle of the night. My thoughts immediately went to the weather. Oh no, it hasn’t changed, how am I going to cope…

Then the Thought popped into my head – completely out of the blue: It’s not your responsibility. Something or someone else is in charge of the Sun.

It was the oddest thing, but that very surprising and unexpected Thought completely cheered me up in that moment. It’s not my responsibility. I had no idea I thought it was my responsibility, but with everything else on my plate right now, it was enlivening to think that this wasn’t. I wasn’t resposible for the sun. Someone or something else was.

When I got up yesterday, my thoughts again began to run towards down thoughts about the weather. But this time I saw them running there, and when I saw them, they stopped. There was a pause, a break in my habitual thought about the weather. And then a new thought arrived – came in from nowhere – ‘its cozy.’

I breathed a sigh of relief. Its cozy. Could it be cozy? It could be. I relaxed, and began to enjoy the day, just as it was.

This is how the Principles work. Thought is always in operation, and we have so many thoughts each day, most of them we’re not aware of. But all of our experieces come from Thought. ALL of them. Even perception is governed by Thought. So whether you can see Thought or not in any particular instance, if you know whatever your experience is is coming from there, it simplifies things. Only one place to look.

When you look in the direction of Thought – of seeing it, understanding it – you are brinigng Consciousness, or awareness, to Thought. That opens you up to insight – to something coming from the spiriutal plane of life that cuts through the illusions you’re creating in the moment and gives you a glimpse of something greater, of truth.

When that happens, everything changes. These kinds of thoughts – insights, or fresh thoughts – are not thoughts that you can drum up through your personal mind, through analysis or positive thinking. These are MegaThoughts – desigend to awaken and enlighten you, coming from a different dimension of life than our personal ones. Sometimes they don’t even make sense on a rational level – why on earth would I think I was responsible for the weather? But they’re tailor made for you and what you need in the moment. They bring a sense of awe, and, often, of sacredness. How and what just entered my mind and changed my perception completely – took away my suffering? It’s like a little miracle, each time.

It’s another grey day today, and I’m so grateful that its cozy!

The Principles helped me overcome depression, and I Lost Weight!

Annika — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 19:05:44 +0000

I had the honor of doing a four day intensive with Annika in January of 2008. My sister had success through working with Annika and she strongly suggested that I go to do an intensive.

I had been extremely depressed that previous year due to an impending break up and couldn’t seem to lift myself out of it. I’m not one to ask for help. I thought that I had enough tools in my bag of coping mechanisms that I could handle this. But when I found myself thinking of suicide as a logical option—I finally called Annika. I was physically and mentally worn out when I arrived in Washington. I was very overweight as I was using food to medicate my feelings of loneliness and fear.

I stayed for the 4 days and learned so much about myself.

One of my biggest insights was how much I judge my emotions. Fear is a huge one for me. When I felt fear, I was so busy freaking out about feeling fearful that I would then do anything to avoid the emotion—eat some cookies, call someone etc.. Now, through learning the principles, I have so much more awareness. I realize that I’m often frightened, and pretty soon that its only Thought that makes me feel this way, and thoughts are changing all the time. Just seeing this has helped so much. I am much more accepting of all my emotional states. AND they do pass more quickly now and I return to my normal state of feeling good.

Emotionally and spiritually I am on a much more even keel. I have my ups and downs but the roller coaster ride is done. I trust when I am in a dark place that it will pass and it always does. The principles taught me to make friends with the unknown. I feel a strength and confidence in myself that resonates from me, Where as before, anxiety and fear ruled me.

What appealed to me the most about working with and learning from Annika is that she is teaching us to learn from our own wisdom and insights. She teaches us to look inside for the answers and to trust that we know the answers. I felt very empowered by the principles that she taught me.

Physically, I am much improved. I have lost 55 pounds since the intensive in 2008. I feel amazing and enjoy high energy.

How can I get to a place of being okay with fear and shame? I’m okay with anger and sadness I know they are illisionary thoughts . I’ll just remember that shame and fear are rooted in illisionary thoughts and when I get good with them, they won’t have a hold on me.

I have a visual of my fear and shame being behind a brick wall around the corner of it hiding and I am practiced at pretending its not there. I want to get good at acknowledging it’s presence and seeing what is. Pretending its not there doesn’t work! When I acknowledge it / it melts away.

Women’s Retreat

Annika — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 19:03:58 +0000

Wellspring of Wisdom
A Women’s Retreat

March 12 & 13, 2010

In a safe, supportive environment and the company of other women, come learn about your innate capacity for well-being, wisdom and joy. Working with the three spiritual principles of Sydney Banks, you will learn how to become free of mental habits that cause stress, anxiety and depression, and begin to have lives of spiritual freedom and joy. As you begin to experience more of your own innate well being, you will discover your wellspring of wisdom – knowing when to trust your thinking and when you’re on track with your life’s purpose.

When: Saturday and Sunday, March 12 13, 2010
Times: 6:00-8:00 PM Friday; 9-00 AM-4 PM Saturday

Where: The beautiful, historic Ashingdon Manor, on Whidbey Island, near Seattle
Cost: $150 includes:

Seminar
Workbook

Rooms at the beautiful Ashingdon Manor are available at the reduced rate of $100 per regular room or $130 for a jacuzzi suite. Most rooms have two beds and can be shared if desired. Contact Ashingdon Manor to book your room and mention this seminar.

The Facilitator: Annika Hurwitt Schahn, Ph.D. is Founder and President of Women Take the Lead, a consulting group designed to help women become better leaders in their fields. She is also Founder and Presidnet of the Center for Optimal Living, which specializes in Relationship Counseling and Organizational Consulting that helps people gain lives of psychological freedom. Working with the 3 spiritual principles of Sydney Banks, Annika helps people awaken to their inner resources for well being and wisdom, and clear away the mental habits that get in their way. Annika has been counseling people, consulting with organizations and offering retreats since 1987, with Centers based on Whidbey Island, WA and Martha’s Vineyard, MA.

How I finally got married

Annika — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 19:02:58 +0000

Though this happened 15 years ago, I told this story at a women’s seminar over the weekend, and the women there found it so helpful I realized I should post it on my blog. Here is my story of how I got married for the first time at the age of 43:

My father died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 10, and though I am told I cried a lot at the time, I did not get over it. My mother went into a deep depression, which lasted for the rest of her life, and my brothers struggled with it in their own ways. I grew up and started dating, but things didn’t go very well. When I fell in love, the man left me, and when a man fell in love with me, I left him. With every break-up I would experience a terrible sense of abandonment and loss that would shake me to my core. I would be frightened, feel like my world was coming to an end, and feel very unsafe. In retrospect I realize that these were many of the feelings I experienced when my father died, though that didn’t occur to me while I was going through it. This would last for several months, and then I would begin to get over it, and the merry-go-round would begin again with the next person I dated.

In my early thirties I went into therapy to get help with these constantly failing relationships. I wanted to get married and have children, and by this time I knew something was wrong. My therapist thought I hadn’t grieved the death of my father enough to get over it. So we began that grieving process again. I cried non-stop for several weeks, then off-and-on for months. After a while, the crying stopped. Unfortunately, it did nothing to change my dating pattern.

Another decade went by. I was 40, and my dating pattern had not changed. I was beginning to lose hope about the possibiity of ever having children. That’s when I attended a seminar where the 3 spiritual principles of Sydney Banks were being taught. These principles – Mind, the spiritual energy that is formless and has a diving intelligence; Thought, the mental activity all human beings have from birth until death, and Consciousness – how we experience our thinking - provided a huge awakening for me. This was in 1993, and I’ve been learning from these principles ever since (for more on the Three Principles see www.Sydneybanks.org and my website, www.optimaliving.net).

I soon became a much happier person. I saw how much thinking I did that created worry and stress for me, and as I began to understand the illusory nature of thought, my innate well being and wisdom had more room to surface more of the time. But several years went by, and my relationship pattern STILL did not change. However in looking toward wisdom, and less through the lens of my personal thinking, my life changed in so many other ways that I had hope that somehow it would change this too.

Then one day another break-up happened. I wasn’t really in love, but was trying to be – that old biological clock thing. Still the man I was dating betrayed my trust in a way that took me by surprise and really hurt. As soon as I discovered this all the mental and emotional alarms began to sound. I was barely into my familiar nightmare of feeling betrayed and abandoned when suddenly I heard a voice say: “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

The voice was in my own head, but it was so unexpected, and so loud and clear, that it startled me. I knew I had just had an insight, as it came with that unmistakable feeling of something coming from beyond myself and gifting me with an unexpected perspective. It stopped my emotional roller coaster in its tracks. With that Thought I suddenly had the presence to be with the thoughts and feelings about this break-up as they came. That presence began to heal those thoughts and feelings. Rather than going into memory as I had done time and time again (without being aware of it) of previous break-ups and, undoubtably, thoughts about my father’s death, which amplified the experience I was having way beyond what it actually was, I was able to be with what was happening. Surprisingly, it wasn’t a very big deal! To my amazement, I found that within a matter of days I was feeling fine, and by the end of the week I was over it. This was an an entirely different experience with any break-up I had ever had before.

After that, I was reflecting on my experiences with relationships. A thought occured to me, one of those brought by Mind to initiate a process of realization. I realized that with my learning the Principles my life had become exgtremely rich. I was very happy, had far less worry, was sleeping well, had more and better friends and was experiencing an outpouring of creativity. Still, my relationship pattern hadn’t changed. So it was a moment of decision: Date, and get abandoned, or don’t date. I thought about it for some time, as neither seemed a good option. Finally I decided on the the first option – date, and get abandoned. Rather than fearing that anymore, I would lean into it, even expect it. But I wanted to keep dating because even with these endings it was more fun than not dating at all.

The next person I met was from the west coast, and I lived on the east coast, so I was sure it would end quickly. Given my decision, that was fine with me. But he kept pursuing me, and we got along wonderfully. Within 6 months we got engaged, and were married one year later. We had our daughter a few years after that, and we have now been happily married for 14 years. Thought had been getting in my way all those years – memory thought that I wasn’t even aware of, and that was healed by the power of the understanding that the principles of Mind, Consciousness and Thought brought into my life.

The Difference between Well-Being and Positive Thinking

Annika — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 19:02:06 +0000

I recently had a couple in for a weekend retreat. Two women who had been together for 8 years. they had come because they were having trouble connecting with each other. As they began to work with the principles, or natural laws of how the mind works, they both began to settle down and become more present to themselves, to life and to each other. A. saw how her thoughts of being responsible kept her always in her analytical, personal dimension of thought, which distracted her from being in the now. She saw how that level of distraction not only interfered with her relationship – as having a sense of genuine connection arises when we’re truely here – but it acutally interfered with her capacity to be responsible. People are most responsive when their minds are calm and clear, not when they’re busy and distracted. It’s much harder to know what’s really going on, what the real priorites are when you’re running habitual thought through your brain.

For M., it was fear that kept her out of the present. I thought it would be helpful to review the Naural Laws that govern psychological functioning, which are: Mind, the source of all experience, a formless energy with a divine intelligence; Thought, which is what we do continually as human beings, and which governs all our experiences including perception, feelings and behaviors; and Consciousness, which is the capacitiy to be aware of our experiences. As M. reflected in these principles, she too settled down and became present. Then what arose in her was grief. M. had been struggling for a long time with chronic illness, and waves of sadness were arising naturally about the losses that illness has caused for her. She cried for some time, and then became quiet. After a break and a rest, her sense of well- being returned and she was ready for what would come next.

This event raised questions for her partner. “If learning about these Natural Laws allows us to become more present, and if being more present puts you in touch with feelings of calm and well being, why did M. get sad when her mind settled down?”

This is a great question – one that comes up a lot for people, as they confuse presence with positive thinking. It’s true that when you become calm and come into the present, a sense of well-being naturally arises. If we live there enough of the time, we regularly experience some of the deeper feelings in life – gratitidue, joy, creativity and love. It’s also true, however, that life brings us many experiences, some of which are sad. When those experiences happen, people often have sad thoughts and feelings. When those feelings pass, your mind will settle down again. Usually you will have a sense of peacefulness, and eventually with a calm mind that innate sense of well-being will arise once again.

This is very different from positive thinking, which implies that people are supposed to be happy all the time. Being present does mean that you will have much more calm, and common sense, have a feeling of purposefulness and being on track with life, and often feel secure and happy. But all of those feelings are reflections of the thoughts that arise naturally when our personal minds move into the background and we become receptive to this other, more universal dimension of Thought.

You can feel it when you begin experiencing this other dimension of Thought – it’s qualitatively different from personal thought It has a sense of ease, a flowing quality, a calm feeling to it, whereas personal thoughts do not come with these deeper feeilngs. When we’re in personal thought our feeling state is usually neutral, but if we stay there too long, without touching in to calm and well being, feelings of stress usually occur, and these can lead to experinces of anxiety and eventually depression.

Positive thinking, on the other hand, is in the realm of personal thought. When people’s thoughts are uncomfortable orcausing them pain, they think of positive versions of those same thoughts. Your personal mind is using its memory to come up with better versions of what its thinking. This is why positive thinking is limited in its applications: personal mind is limited, whereas universal mind is not. More importantly, you’re thinking on the same level of consciouness that you started with. Sometimes it works for while, but usually not for very long, and most people experience it as a lot of hard work, especially if you’re using it to try to deal with a mental state that is painful for you. You are using your limited, personal mind and will rather than allowing this larger, deeper dimension of Thought to do its job.

M. and A. found that as their minds settled down and became more quiet, it became more clear what they had been thinking, without realizing it, that was causing stress and keeping them from being calm and settled in their minds. They saw how that kept them from connecting with each other – not so much any of their issues, but their lack of natural connection due to their mental distractions. As they became more calm and setlled with themselves, they naturally began to feel a stronger sense of connection wtih each other. From that place of calm and well- being, many things that appeared to be obstacles to intimacy melted away, while at the same time solutions to problems began to arise naturally out of their conenction with each other.

Intimacy and connection are easy when people are able to really be with each other, rather than in the many stories, habits, complaints and other stressors brought on by too much personal thought. We don’t have to think positively to have a good life or a good relationship – in fact ultimately manipulating our thinking only adds more stress and a feeling of a lack of genuinness. Everyone has the capacity to tap into a dimension of Thought that is unlimited, full of wisdom and insight, and the deeper feelings we all long for in life. Learning about these Natural Laws will bring you there.